My dearest love,

I feel like it’s unfair to Justin that I still miss Nicholas. I mean, I wouldn’t go back to him, but it’s just not fair that I think about him still. 

Maybe it’d be right to end it before it gets to be a big issue and cause fights between us? I like him though. Should I do what is right or just wait it out?

fuuuuuuuck. idk but i’m so tired. but i dont wanna close my eyes again. idk i just dont wanna mnove. just let my body move itself and do whatever. 

i feel like my fingers are just moving like im not even moving them. wtf lol

my love feels so petty in comparison

i dont know what i need but i know im in need of something or someone. im so confused right now wtf is life. 

i miss you and you and you and you and all the yous that are no longer in my life. i miss me and me and me all the mes that i knew before this me came along. 

no matter how content i am and will be with me or you i will never stop missing the past. but i know i have to let go of the past so the past can leave me alone. why is this so hard.

i hope its just the period fucking up my emotions right now. i hope these feelings go away in the morning because i cant do this anymore.

tell me why

im so into justin

so over you

but still compare you guys deep down. i still catch myself missing you and feeling weird that justins not you. 

people need to fuck off because i’m taken and i like justin more than them. it’s really really rude that carlo and zakary said what they said. like have some respect for a relationship. first off, carlo being on drugs doesn’t excuse him for his behavior and actions. its enough that you try to break us up, but you try to kiss me and shit? ha. zakary lost his chance, and he shouldnt be saying shit like “oh the day you and your bf break up blahblahblah” who’s that rude? 

im just so so so fucking happy with this kid. justin why are you the coolest nigga. why are you so damned cute. why do you say all the right things and dont have to do anything to be this wonderful. we actually tried to find something to argue about because we like debating that much, omg we couldnt find anything to disagree on. besides metal music hahahha. we were both little scene kids. im so stoked to share my stories with you and listen to yours. i can just imagine us dying with laughter. fuck meeeeeee. you’re the first guy in awhile that i dont mind being sexually frustrated for. im not even sexually frustrated because im so goddamned happy. 

jeeeessssuuuussssss take da wheel becuz i legitimately like someone and don’t mind being with them, in fact i like being with them. commitment is cool.

i suk

what did i do to get boys to like me this much.

i have a stalker, like wtf. who shows up at someones house at 4am? who messages someone over and over again even when they’re aware that i have a bf? who does that.

i have a carlo, sorry carlo. im sorry i dont like you back. im sorry if you felt really rejected tonight. im not here for you as a gf, but im here as a friend. im sorry you were one step behind justin. im sorry you didnt get a chance. but you’re a good person and i know you’ll make another girl happy.

i have a tony, sorry tony. im sorry you have to give up on me. but thank you for respecting my relationship. sorry that ive been ignoring your texts. sorry we cant have a third date.

i have a james, sorry james. im sorry we lost contact for so long. we had a chance at something but you having a child is complicated since you’re still in touch with the baby’s mama. im sorry you guys went through that and she made your life terrible. but im so happy that you love your daughter. and you’re not a crazy bad father. bless you james and khloe. 

blessed

things are falling into place. 

Justin is a really good boyfriend and I couldn’t ask for more. He understands that I’m older and have shit to do, so I can’t spend all my time with him. He remembers little things that I don’t even remember myself or ask him to. It’s nice to have someone lock my room door even without asking when we leave, to offer me starbucks parfaits, kisses me even when I have lipstick and cig breath. Thinks I’m cute when I sleep and calls me beautiful all the time. He jokes around with me, even though he’s really awkward. We get along, as friends and as lovers, I’m content with this.

I miss Nicholas only because I know if I just spoke up and told him to do all this he would. But I don’t want to have to ask, I’d feel needy. I don’t mean to be a princess, but making your partner feel important is a natural thing. Nicholas just didn’t step into it quick enough or wasn’t comfortable with it. I don’t blame him, I’m happy I had the chance to touch his life the way he said I did. 

Conclusion of the night: never drive on xanax and pick up dabs, don’t be so quick to judge, and be thankful for all that’s happened to you to change you for better.